November 11, 2010
Part six of a seven-day meditation, today’s installment including a council of ex-lovers . . .
I want to share with you just the beginning of something I wrote while on my coast retreat. Here it is:
“I am not meant for loneliness,” I say. “I am meant for lovers.”
And they nod when I say this, all of them gathered here on the beach: this council of ex-lovers. Most of them are in linen, Miami Vice style, sitting behind a long conference table with ice-water in those plastic pitchers, but glass glasses in front of each one of them. A white tablecloth flaps in the breeze.
The rest of this writing, I reserve for myself and for my council, whose members shall remain nameless, although I can say they’re kind of like the Pentaverate from So I Married an Axe Murderer. But I do solemnly swear that Colonel Sanders is not on my council. Not really, anyway. Does first base count?
I thought about getting what I wrote into a fully fictionalized form so I could comfortably share it, but I’m going to save that activity for another day. The reason I want to share any of it is that I found my flight of fancy both enjoyable and useful, that is, the imagining of ex-lovers all gathered together at a conference table to confirm my initial statement, to confirm that I belong in a romance. ‘Cause I do. I’m a romantic kind of lady.
Gathering my council was a gentle and playful way for me to examine my relationship patterns, to look back with compassion, to recognize what’s worked and what hasn’t. To laugh with myself at some foolishness, to applaud myself for some bravery, to remind myself what is most crucial moving forward.
And last but not least, it was kind of nice to imagine affirmations coming from the men with whom I’ve shared intimate space, to imagine all of us as our best selves, able to talk openly and kindly, to bless it all.
The biggest lesson here for me and the one I’m continuing to learn each moment, is to be my own primary source of affirmation and blessing. While I imagined words coming from these gents from my past, the truth is, this kind conversation, this support and verification—all of it—actually came from me.
So how about you?
I wonder what council you might call forth for yourself today from the past—employers, classmates, neighbors, family, teammates?—and how it might be useful to you at this moment of stepping into your life.
Thank you so much for reading. You might notice that I don’t have a space for comments, but I’m certainly open to conversation about what’s written here. If you’re so inspired, feel free to start a conversation with me via the contact form on the homepage of this site.