I Ate All of the Bacon and Didn’t Save You Any

I ate all of the bacon and didn’t save you any.

Well, not ALL of the bacon in all of the land, but all of the bacon we had left, which was three pieces in a large Tupperware container in the freezer, underneath a slip of wax paper that used to hold other bacon that we ate together for brunch two Saturdays ago. I shared that bacon and made delicious eggs and greens for us to go with it.

But this bacon I ate all of and didn’t save you any because I was hungry. I’m still hungry, and although the bacon was delicious, it wasn’t enough for me to feel full.

It was three pieces. Well, two bigger pieces and one small piece, and first, I ate one and thought about saving you one.

But I didn’t.

I ate all three, and I’m still hungry.  And I don’t know why. I fear I have a spiritual tapeworm because no matter what soul food I take in, something seems to eat it straight up.  So I eat more regular food, reasoning that it might fill my soul.

That’s why I ate the bacon. My ravenous soul.

Which might not make any sense, but which is true, and actually, often, the truth doesn’t make any sense, and even less without a specific story detail, like on a May Monday evening, eating all of the bacon, like I did, without saving any for you, because I was trying to save myself.  Which, by the way, no dice.

The point of this is not that bacon saves, because it didn’t. The point of this is not that I saved bacon, for you or anyone else, because I didn’t. The point is that I, like bacon, am beyond salvation.  That I, like bacon, have been eaten entirely, with nothing left but a memory of something salty and delicious, which lasted for a bite and a swallow, and then was gone.

The point is salt, delicious, bite, swallow, gone, memory, although maybe not in that order.

The point is that damned is not the opposite of saved. Eaten is the opposite of saved. Eat is the opposite of save. Wait is the same as save. Hold off is the same as save. Stew is the same as save. Saving does not satisfy hunger. Eat is the same as take in. Eat is the same as choose. Eat is the same as feed. Eat is the same as live.

Why am I hungry?  Eat is the answer.  Live is the anwer.

In the end, I suppose, I do not choose to be saved but to be eaten, which seems a far holier thing.

I ate all of the bacon and didn’t save you any.

If it makes you feel any better–and I hope that it does–I didn’t save me any either.

Thank you so much for reading. You might notice that I don’t have a space for comments, but I’m certainly open to conversation about what’s written here. If you’re so inspired, feel free to start a conversation with me via the contact form on the homepage of this site.